Film Torments: Movie 43 (2013)

Andrew Noel ventured into the heart of an impenetrable darkness so you wouldn’t have to. Reader discretion advised: There will be explicit, distasteful and very, very, very offensive images in this article.

LET’S say you have an evening off. You order a takeaway, or make a nice dinner. You crack open a bottle of wine with your partner or friend and decide to find a comedy on Netflix. Then you see Movie 43 pop up on suggestions. You see it’s got some great cast members: Kate Winslet, Emma Stone, Richard Gere, Dennis Quaid, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry… I could go on. Sure, it’s only got one star (your first and only warning), but how bad can it really be?

Well let me tell you, dear reader, just how soul-crushingly terrible this film is. A few months ago I watched Jack and Jill, which I quickly decided was the worst film I’ve ever seen. Now I can say that in comparison to Movie 43, Jack and Jill looks like The Godfather. I have made some dire mistakes in my life, but few, if any, equate to deciding to watch Movie 43. Coming away from watching this film, I actually feel angry; angry that I wasted an hour and 38 minutes of mine and my poor girlfriend’s lives.

It’s not so surprising that actors such as Richard Gere tried desperately to get out of the film, and even less surprising that George Clooney downright refused to be attached to it. I mean, honestly, what would possess anyone to do this, never mind A-listers like these? What kind of dire straits was Hugh Jackman in when he agreed to have a pair of testicles attached to his neck?

Even X-Men Origins: Wolverine was better (and funnier) than this.

Even X-Men Origins: Wolverine was better (and funnier) than this.

Was there a man somewhere on set with a sniper rifle pointing squarely at Chris Pratt when he said he’d be covered in fake poo? Did Stephen Merchant lose sense of what was morally right when he let himself get a penis tattooed on his face? (According to IMDb, he did it to be around Halle Berry).

These are just some examples of the ‘humour’ exhibited in Movie 43. When I say humour I mean any fucking excuse to put human bodily fluids in a sketch context. Let me rattle off a list of some of the, not just crude, but actually offensive comedy found in Movie 43. And we’re not talking South Park satirical offensive, we’re talking just plain stupid.

  • In one particular sketch, a girl (Chloe Grace Moretz) gets her first period while around her boyfriend’s house. Not only does Moretz portray a visibly scared girl, but the audience is meant to find the whole situation hilarious as the men around her don’t understand what’s going on. Since when did a 15 year old girl’s menstrual cycle become comedy gold?
  • As much as I love Stephen Merchant, I just cannot abide him in this ‘sketch’. First an (unfunny) holocaust gag followed by him being transformed into a stereotypical Asian dude. I didn’t realise When the Whistle Blows was being made into an actual show.
  • HA! Semen. HA! Urine. HA! That is what I can imagine the minority of people who enjoyed this film saying as bodily fluids are splashed over some of Hollywood’s biggest names. I needn’t say more; this is bottom of the barrel comedy. I’m not six, and this isn’t a Saturday morning TV show. Get over yourselves.
  • Child abuse. This is one field that should never be touched upon. And yet, the second sketch of this abomination features a homeschooled boy getting the ‘high school experience’ from his parents, which includes being smothered in excrement, physical abuse and incest. Ha fuckin’ ha.
Not pictured: The gun pointed at the heads of Richard Gere's family.

Not pictured: The gun pointed at the heads of Richard Gere’s family.

Even with these topics aside, this film is simply not funny. There’s no slapstick, there’s no set up, there’s no goddamn punch line. There’s just minute after minute of crude, disgusting, boring, boring, boring script. There were points where the sheer volume of dull talking made me want to drop off. There were points where what was happening on screen made me so uncomfortable I wanted to turn the thing off.

So with this in mind, I went off to see if anyone actually likes this film. With over 250,000 ‘likes’ on Facebook, obviously some people out there do, so I ventured onto IMDb in search for user reviews. What I found were people giving 10 star reviews (?!) claiming people need to ‘lighten up’, and even having the audacity to compare the film to Monty Python.

I hate everything.

I hate everything.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I shan’t ‘lighten up’. Just because something rude appeared on screen doesn’t make this a comedy. A monkey with half a brain could have made a better film than this. This film preys on the lowest kind of comedy; the most dumbed down form of entertainment available to humankind.

Ghostbusters, Wayne’s World, 40 Year Old Virgin, Superbad, Anchorman, Hot Fuzz, This Is Spinal Tap. If you want a comedy film, for the love of God, watch one of those. Don’t waste your time on this piece of filth that Hollywood dares to call a motion picture. The sheer scale of how bad this film is is outstanding. It goes above and beyond being so bad it’s good, and ends up plain insulting. Whoever finds this amusing should not be allowed to breed.

There are bad movies. There are Adam Sandler movies. And then there’s Movie 43.

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